Love, Dad (again)

Dear Family,

Tonight Emily and I were texting, joking about some of the things dad might be doing in this phase of life.

It got us laughing. Then of course, me crying. It inspired me to look for the voice mail recording Christina had sent all of us. I couldn't find it but I did come across some old treasures that made me smile. I wanted to post them here so we can always find his wisdom and easily remember when we need to.

So enjoy, laugh and cry. They're both good.

XO.

To my grandkids

 I want you to Know that I had hope to be with you in this earthly life.  

 I am thankful I got to interact with maia and Ethan my boy.  

 Just remember your home is like a school.   Your Parents are your teachers.   They will teach you about god,  Life,  Values,  and Righteousness.

 Be Teachable.   Your parents are your guide and teachers.   Love and respect them.   o well as you obey them.   Your life will go well as you obey them 

My prayers Is that you will learn To appreciate life.   That you May realize it is god who gives you life.   Learn also how to laugh, 

 your parents will know what is good for you.   That everyone of you will choose to follow christ.

These things are for grandchildren   

Angela Angela

 After you gave birth to Ethan my boy I began to envision all kinds of activities I could do with him.   IT appears these things are no longer possible unless God intervenes.   I envision Ethan and I , Playing basketball,  working on cars or

Trucks.   Playing basketball of coarse would be a priority.   Oneday when he is old enough to understand you can tell Ethan.  

My message for you.   That your faith in God will remain solid and strong.   I realized this horrible disease in my body has caused a lot of us To think deeper about god.   our faith in god.

Ultimately we can Still trust God.  

I enjoy being around with Ethan and maia.  

You and Jordan are doing a great job raising your kids.

stephI

i am Thanking god for the spiritual drive you have been Demonstrating lately.   Maintain it. 

I envision you and mike rearing your kids with biblical principles.  

Oneday your sphere of influence will be bigger.   one of the keys in making kingdom impact is practicising God's presence in your life.Keep learning from god' s word.   For mike,  I Hope and pray That one day you will take your responsibility as a spiritual leader in the home.  

 About automotive,  Think and apply safety whenever you work  on cars.   I have all the tools you need to Fix cars.   Try your best not to Loose tools.  

Hi Christina, 

 it has been a wonderful experience golfing,  Chatting,  and Spending time with you. 

I am very proud of you,  and of all of you Girls.   You have accomplished so much in life at younger age.   Whereever your career takes you just keep in mind your ultimate purpose in life.  

 I am very proud of you,  and of all of you Girls.   You have accomplished so much in life at younger age.   Whereever your career takes you just keep in mind your ultimate purpose in life.   There is no greater purpose in life than your God Given purpose.  

I am hopeful I get to see your first child before the lord takes me home.  

You and Frankie are good match.

One of my memories with you,  I Took you to A bus to go to a community center.   We Participated in a program called tug and tumble.   This was when we were living in richmond.   You Enjoyed being in there and you did not want to leave.   Watching you run on a high school track meet,  and watch you play high school basketball was one of my joyous moments.  

For frankie

Oneday when you have your own kids.   Here are things you may consider.   Build in them spiritual foundation at early age.   Read to them bible stories.   Demonstrate To them in Practical ways what it means to Love and to love your wife

dear emily,

oneday when you read this message you will find it inspiring. My prayer for you is, 

 you Will learn what it means to love your God.

  This Principle is foundational in your Relationship with God. Some biblical advice I want you to apply into your life. 

   Choose a life time godly partner.   Choose a life time godly partner.   Because unity in the spirit will bring more harmony into your marriage relationship.   Be a student of God's word.   Following biblical principles leaves no regrets.  

I Hope to be at your High school grad.   At your wedding as well.   Your a very good basketball player.   Keep developing your skills,  like Dribbling,  Passing to an open player,  Learning to lay up the ball with your left hand.   Pursue education.   To have a university degree gives you Some springboard for life.   I am confident if you keep improving your skills in basketful you Might end up playing university level.

  

Emily has A gentle spirit.   Her inner beauty is evident Only have one 14 Birthday enjoy it.  

 You will Oneday be challenged with your Chrisrienced that.  

 Trying to live out your values leave less regrets.  

 You are Very gifted in a lot of areas.   Use your talents and gifts to expand the kingdomtian values or you probably have expe of god.   

To my dear wife Kathy, 

 I want you to Know I am Thankful to god for being my wife,  Friend,  and Care giver. all my life trials and,  Challenges.

 you were There to help me.   You always demonstrated that you cared for me.   I Couldn't have done everything on my own.   I love you very much. 

You were With me in times of trials,  Suffering,  Perseverance,  and Victories.  

You were also one of My greatest resource in doing ministry.

.   You are indispensable in my life. 

my personal note

It is my hope that all my girls will try their best to teach their children that following Jesus is worthwhile doing.   The Influence of this World may attract Your kidtablish in them solid spiritual foundation while they are moldable teach them the word of god.   Eph, 6:1-2 is an ideal verse for them to apply at younger age.   Show them in lifes to do the Opposite.   I would have to say es There need to be a Respect for higher authority.   Help them to understand what it means to love God.   Model to them what it takes to do this.   I also hope you will always be parents of second chance.

this dynavox is messing up my notes (this makes me laugh) 

It is a very long exit.   Jesus says we cannot add an hour into our lives. our time on earth is   Pre-determined.   We can shorten our lives by sinning.   

bible study notes

Mark 1:1-13

We are called to pave the way For others.  

 Point people to Christ.   

Don't Forget!

Today marked my last, "last day of class." This is the end of 14 "last day of classes" over the past 7 years and 14 semesters of college and university. My childhood best friend once asked if I was getting "a PhD or something" and the answer, unfortunately, was no. I told her I was spending 2 years at Bible college figuring out what to do with my life and then needed to next 5 years to get ready to do what I figured out!

This morning, I was was sipping my coffee and thinking that now that this long awaited moment had arrived, I needed commemorate it somehow! It seemed appropriate to take a few moments and thank God for all he has provided on this journey that is soon coming to a close. As I started to list a few obvious things that came to mind, God's faithfulness overwhelmed me like a flood. As I listed off one provision after another, I was reminded that He did provide every single thing that I needed over the past 7 years whether it was finances, relationships, comfort, strength, time, rest, endurance or for physical needs, just like He promised he would!

Next, my thoughts wandered to the beginning of this journey. It seemes natural, I guess, when you're near the end of something to think back to how it all started. The summer 2003 was when I was getting ready to head off to Bible school and it was also, ironically enough, (much like the last year) a rocky time for our family. At the end of the summer, we were told that he had been diagnosed with depression. The struggles he had been having for a number of months were finally beginning to make sense. I watched my invincible dad be broken and transparent and at that point in my life, it was the hardest thing I had seen. This morning I was looking through my journal from that time and early in the fall I had written:

"Thank you God that you are bringing my parents through this time... and for taking care of us. I think I'm taking this okay because I know that you are in control."

It seemed odd that I could say almost the exact same words now.

"Thank you God for bringing our family through this time and taking care of us. We will be okay because you are in control."

God showed himself faithful then, he continues to now, and since history tends to be a good indication of the future, I would be willing to bet- or better yet, I know- He will continue to be, whatever storm may come.

I'm such a forgetful person. If I don't make a to-do list, I forget all the things that must be done. If I don't take a list to the grocery store, I always forget at least one thing! If I don't take to remember all that He has done, I risk forgetting just how faithful and good He has been in my life, and that's not a risk I should be willing to take!

Time is a Funny Thing

Today is February 17, 2010. It's been 6 months since my dad passed away. It's crazy to think about how much can change in such a short period of time. My tendency is to measure time by the proximity to life-changing events.

At this very time just three years ago, I was months away from my dad walking me down the aisle. Two years ago close to this time, he took Emily to a watch the Phoenix Suns game down in Seattle. He was healthy and probably feeling quite invincible. Only four months later, we were touching down in the Philippines, a trip that was a surprise blessing to our family because of the diagnosis. And just over a year from when we arrived back home from that same trip, my dad passed away. Crazy.

Time is a strange paradox. Though it does seems that so much can change in so little time, what is also interesting to me is how little things can change in a given period of time. My dad had a John Piper book that was always laying around the house. I've never read it but the title always caught my attention as if to challenge and remind me: "Don't Waste Your Life."

When I think back to how much has changed in the last three years, I can't help but also ponder how much or how little my life has changed since then. What have I done in the time God has given me?

Imagine if $1440 were deposited into a bank account at the beginning of each day for you to spend. It is up to your discretion how to spend it but it all must be spent in that day. Any remaining balances cannot be transferred and once it's gone, it's gone. There are no credits, advances or overdrafts. That would mean that in a week we would have $10,080 at our disposal and in one month, $43,200. It would seem as if that great amount of money would be more than enough to cover any kind of expense.

Time is a resource we've been given just like money. We have 1440 minutes in a day, 10,080 minutes in a week and 43,200 minutes in a month to spend at our discretion.

Ultimately, the way we spend our time ends up being the way we spend our life. If you're anything like me, there have been days or weeks that have slipped by at times when it feels as if you have nothing of eternal value to show for it. Time doesn't seem to show any signs of slowing down. On the contrary, it seems to only speed up as I've gotten older and the sense of urgency to spend wisely only seems to increase.

My hope is that as time continues to fly by that I can take opportunities to view these milestones as a time to pause and ponder how I'm spending my life. My dad's faith throughout his life, illness and up until his death had a resounding impact on my life. Now the question is, how much have I allowed God to change since then?

Love, Dad

If you read the Teary Traditions post, you may remember the little blooper we shared as a family when we tearily went to watch my dad's very special surprise video message and realized that we in fact, had the wrong DVD.

Well, we finally got all our ducks in a row and since all of us girls were together this last weekend, we sat down to watch it. We were equipped and ready with a full box of kleenex and we situated ourselves where we could easily console one another as the floodgates opened.

Just as quickly as the tape started rolling, the tears started streaming. My dad videotaped this little segment last December 2nd, 2008. He speech was still understandable to the family, but barely audible to the general public. You could see how it was a struggle for him to make out the words but how at the same time, there was an urgency and sense of importance in what he had to say.

He started out talking to Emily- and to her future husband who (bless him whoever he is) will have many layers of brother-in-law to penetrate through one day and, the "dad talk" via DVD.

He had specific words of wisdom for all of his girls and son-in-laws, reminders of his love and appreciation for my mom, reminders of his love for his present and future grandchildren and the admonition for all of us to live out our faith, walk with God and teach our children to do the same. And of course... several reminders of just how much he loved watching us all play basketball and how Emily is going to be the one to go all the way! Surprised?

It was the perfect mix of dad. He filmed this video when he was still in the uncontrollable laughter phase of the disease. He'd be in the middle of a very heart-wrenching sentence and then break out into hysterical laughter. This of course, allowed the very emotional viewers a few brief intermissions from crying in exchange for laughter.

It truly was and will always be a treasure. I'm thankful that he took the time to do this. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to sit down and record a video that you know your loved ones will only watch once you have passed on.

The theme of his message was no surprise as it's the same thing he lived out and encouraged us to do when he was still with us. Now I feel as though he has joined the great cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11 and is saying, "Run with perseverance the race marked out for you." I'll be cheering you on.

Teary Traditions (Part 2)

What makes December 25th truly unique in our family is that is also happens to mark 50% of our family's birthdays. My dad, Angela and Christina were all born on Christmas Day. In part 1, I mentioned one of the many traditions in our house. The morning of December 25th usually went down something like this:

6:00 AM or earlier- Angela wakes up and wakes up whoever she can, usually Emily and myself (and yes, in that order, and yes, this was up until last year... her 26th birthday...) We would wait until a more humane time to wake up the rest of the family that our mom had specified the night before. We'd all open stockings after of course fingering through all the little wrapped gifts in order to try and guess what they all were. Dad would never open a gift before trying to pre-determine what was inside! We'd open our "Santa" gifts and by this point our dad was often back asleep on the couch. He wasn't yet caffeinated.

After this, Christmas was totally put on pause. We'd move over to the table for birthday breakfast. All the birthday presents had to be wrapped in birthday paper. No one dared break this cardinal rule. We'd eat one of mom's breakfast casseroles, open presents and then move onto the cake. For this part, the twins would climb into my dad's lap no matter how big or small they were and we would sing Happy Birthday.

We'd take the famous picture of the three of them blowing our their birthday cake and of course one smiling for the album. My mom has an album full of just this picture from every year for the last 26 years! As they got older, dad became less and less visible in the picture but you could always see his famous smile poking out from between them!

This Christmas Eve, we had a pre-Christmas cry together and shared how this birthday moment was the one we were all dreading the most, especially the twins. It would be one of those times when his absence would feel like a meteor-sized crater.

The birthday breakfast this year hovered like a storm cloud in the room. No one seemed like they were in a hurry to get to the birthday and once we did, it really felt like, "let's just get this over with." We ate, sang and took the picture. It just wasn't the same. At this point my mom said through tear-filled eyes, "It just feels like someone is missing." Indeed it did.

However, it wouldn't truly be a "Jesse" moment without a little comic relief. Before we could all burst into tears, Mike who had stepped out of the room for a moment, yelled from the next room in a silly voice, "Don't worry guys, I'm right here!" Another moment recovered by humour...

The mixed feelings about Christmas this year may not change for the next while. The fact is, it is different and it really won't ever be the same without him. However, if we peel back the gift giving, birthdays and traditions, there is a greater unshakeable occasion that will never change.

The true reason we celebrate Christmas is because this is when God sent Jesus to earth. Our God is a relentless pursuer and he loved us too much to let us perish. He came to offer us the free and eternal gift of salvation. Because of this, we have a painless, sinless eternity in heaven to look forward to if we have accepted this free gift. Despite how tough moments may get now, they are temporary.

It seems as though the child-like excitement for Christmas tends to fade as we "grow up." I have asked God as I have gotten older, not to let me forget what Christmas is all about. Even though this was the toughest Christmas thus far, I have been reminded of what it is all about. Yes- family, gifts, and traditions are wonderful, but the Christmas spirit I think, stems from a spirit of thankfulness for what God has done which allows the hope, joy and peace that He provides flood our lives and into into the lives of those around us.

Teary Traditions (Part 1)

The new normal has been very tough to adjust to but thankfully, some milestones have passed so far where we all sat back and said, that wasn't as hard as we thought it would be. We all silently worried about what Christmas would be like without dad while knowing full well that this would and will probably always be the hardest time of the year.

Tradition is something we Morales' take very seriously. We don't mess with traditions! They unfortunately also have the potential to create the most obvious voids.

One of many at this time of year is the pajama tradition. For as long as I can remember among my dad's gift to his girls was always a pair of pajamas. We would always open them Christmas Even and then wear them to sleep that night. Some years he did a bit better than others but he always picked them out himself and he was always proud of his findings. Even last year, mom wheeled him around the mall as he thoughtfully picked out the perfect pair for Em, Ethan and Maia by shaking his head or nodding.

One of the most memorable years for pajamas was when he came home with plus size night gowns for all of the older girls... I think 3x or 4x. I think his rationale was two-fold- they were probably on the clearnace rack so of course on sale, and I think he thought they woudl be SO comfortable because they weren't tight fitting? It didn't seem to occur to him that all four of us could have fit into ONE with room to spare. We captured them on film before my mom "encouraged" him to return them and try again. Not to worry though, He did improve in both taste, size and pajama-common-sense in the years to follow!

Unforuntaely for the older three of us, this tradition ceasedwhen we got married but Emily of course had still be a beneficiary of this. Mike and I were shopping last week when all of sudden he stopped and said, "Do you think I should buy Em some PJ's?" We split up in the store as he began the hunt. I found him 20 minutes later looking quite stressed out. I asked what was wrong and he said, "I just feel so much pressure! This is a very big deal. That can't just be any pair, they have to be ones that scream Emily." I smiled at his appreciation for the seriousness of the task at hand! We did find something eventually and I left the store with our purchase and a very apprehensive Mike.

When I wrapped the PJ's I wrote on the tag, "Some traditions must keep on living..." Emily got to unwrap her very own huge one-size fits all moo-moo night gown that reads, "Move to the Moo-sic." We didn't want to her to miss out on the early years...

When she opened it we all laughed, and then of course, we all cried. It was funny and nice for a moment before we all felt the void that we knew was there. We keep taking those moments in stride. We have cried when we feel it coming on and laughed a lot as well.

Ethan has been our little rock. (We're getting him adjusted to being a sensitive guy early.) He's having a tough time following our emotional roller coasters. One minute we are all laughing and the next, he's so confused, "Hey- why's everyone cryin'?" Someone explains to him that we're sad because we miss Papa . He gives a round of hugs and then goes back to playing, and so far, we're okay and enjoy some laughs while we wait for the next wave!

The Solution for Change

I've been having one of those kinds of weeks... several in a row actually, where you get overtired, crusty, frantic and run down to pieces all because, if I'm being honest, first things just were not first. As I found myself in a familiar pattern of failing in self-reliant mode, it got me thinking about a lesson I've learned... make that learn-ing. I'm pretty sure God has had it on repeat for the last several years.

Our family was tremendously blessed last summer with an all-expense paid trip to the Philippines. All 11 of us jumped on the plane and endured the seemingly endless plane ride with excitement and anticipation. It was my first time out of North America and consequently my first time in a third world country. I was shell shocked to see some of the conditions that people live under and not only that- the conditions that people are contently living under. All my dad's instructions from childhood about turning off the lights and not wasting water or food suddenly seemed like very reasonable requests after seeing the scarcity he came from.

During the trip, my dad posed one of his thought provoking questions to me: "Step...how will your life be different because of this trip?" I felt slightly pressured to produce a 'right' answer...

"Well," I began, "It's made me appreciate what I have more." He was not content. "What else?" "Umm...I think I'll be less material when I get home..." He just smiled like he had a secret that I failed to uncover.

I felt very inspired to live a simpler lifestyle immediately after arriving back home until some time elapsed and I felt equally inspired to buy a pair of darling, red, pointy, high heels. The accumulation of these shoes posed a new problem for me. I, of course, had to have a matching bag. I couldn't help that I happened to be invited to a Purse Party on a night that I happened to be available, that happened to have a perfectly matching red purse for sale... can you see the stuff-disease spreading? Why did my inspiration to live simply fade so quickly?

I could go on with confessions of a shop-a-holic but the real issue I find myself battling on the inside no matter what mask it wears on the outside is, why don't I change? What will it take to make a long-lasting change?

We've all had that time we saw that inspiring thing, place or person, and thought, I will never be the same. The sad truth for me is my best effort hasn't been enough for the inside-out kind of change.

I want to be different because of my life experiences. I want to be more content because of poverty-stricken conditions I have seen and read about. I want to live my life totally sold out to the will of God because I have seen a very faithful example and a glimpse of the payoff. I've been inspired many times but unfortunately, I always seem to come up short. The world says, try harder. You can do it. I've tried harder but I always end up back at square one which seems to be synonomous with square-the-same

I do find a little U-2-ME-2 in Romans 7. I read about Paul and discover that even great evangelist may have shared some of my struggles. He says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do...For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...What a wretched [wo]man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

As I continue reading, I'm so relieved to find the real solution to change: "Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord."

I cannot change on my own. In fact, I can do nothing on my own (John 15:5).

Many times, I have looked at my dad's life and thought, I want to be like him. He was a great example but rather than trying to mimic his outward characteristics, I think my chances of being like him improve if I start thinking instead, I want to know and experience God the same way he did. I want God to change me so drastically the way he did for him. I want to surrender myself to change the same way he did.

It's never been about me or my efforts. It's not about what I can or cannot do on my own but what Jesus Christ wants to do in me.

For permanent change, seek out the Life-Changer everyday and turn yourself over to Him once again.

The Celebration (August 24, 2009)

I began an entry about the funeral the day after it was in August but never quite finished because I felt that my words didn't do the service justice! I know that some family and friends who wanted to be there were unable to be or if you were and are like me, might wish you could remember that really inspiring thing that someone said... Good news! Ang phoned me tonight and said, "I finally found the website the funeral is on!" The staff at Outreach Canada had the service videotaped and have had it available on their website!

There are times in life when you kind of hope that God will show up and then there are times when you just know and expect that He will. I expected God to move at the funeral and did He ever! Those who already know Christ were challenged to live the same kind of abundant life and those who have never accepted Jesus Christ into their life as their Saviour were challenged to receive the free gift of salvation.

A year ago last spring, we were driving home from a funeral and my dad said to me, "When I die, I don't want people to be sad. I want them to celebrate and talk about Jesus!" I teased him and said, "Of course you would. You'll still be witnessing to people even after you're gone!" And did he ever. As Brian said, "The message is not what is being spoken today but the life that has been lived before you."

I took a deep breath as I began to watch and knew there was no point in trying to keep the tears in. It's hard to believe it was less than three months ago. In addition to being reminded of how very, very, much I miss him, I was reminded of the many spiritual challenges that I received. The whole service is about 2 hours but it's nicely divided up on the toolbar on the right so you can pick and choose sections if you would like, but whatever section, grab some kleenex!

http://outreach.ca/now/jesse/

A Fresh Start

Tonight was a cleaning party. Instead of having our usual Wednesday night study, we took on a little love in action. One lady in the Bible Study recently shared the gospel (the Biblical message of forgiveness of sin, a relationship with Jesus and eternal life) with an old friend whose life was in shambles. She phoned me after to tell me the good news and with a great idea. She said, "We need to give this woman a fresh start. I think we should go over there and clean her house." She explained how this single mother of three worked full time and felt overwhelmed by the growing task of keeping her house in order and how it was in dire need of a big clean up.

Eight of us ladies headed over there tonight fully prepared to get elbow deep in whatever we had to. We entered the house armed with cleaning supplies and stock for the cupboards. I felt tremendous joy as this woman wept and said, "I can't even believe that you're here doing this." I was thinking to myself, "We're just doing to your house what Christ has already done to your heart and ours."

I felt slightly overhwhelmed at the task that lay before us when I saw it. We decided to divide and conquer. Two tackled the bathroom, two tackled the kitchen, two tackled the bedrooms and my partner and I took on the laundry room which was conveniently also the place where the cats had taken over. Our new friend came in and frantically started to tidy with us saying, "No, I have to help you girls. I'm the one who made this mess." I assured her that we had it under control and ushered her back into the living room to spend some quality time with her precious children.

I thought to myself, isn't this what we try to do? We think we somehow need to be responsible and "help God" with the clean up because we feel so responsible and guilty about the mess we have made instead of just handing over the reigns. I think he says something similar, "Just give me permission to get rid of what needs to go and I'll take care of the rest."

It was an amazing sense of joy that we felt to know we were doing something physical that represented something that had taken place on the inside. I overheard her in the hallway telling a story I couldn't help but smile at. She said, "One of my friends said to me a couple days ago, 'I can't believe how much you've changed in only a week!' I told her that I gave my heart to God and she said, 'That's all I have to do?'" Isn't that what giving your heart to Jesus all about? Total transformation that makes people go, "What happened to you?" and "How did I get what you have?"

As we finished one room after another, she peered in and stood in amazement at the observable difference in the appearance. I wish we had taken before and after pictures. There are things that we all struggle with. The battle for holiness in this world rages on. I hope that I can look at areas of my own life with the same amazement and say, "I'm different because I let Jesus do a big cleaning job in my heart."

We left after a couple of hours feeling a bit like the crew of Extreme Makeover, Cleaning Edition. The precious kids were so thrilled to have clean rooms and tidy toy boxes. I know that they'll remember this night because of what happened but more importantly, I hope they'll remember who happened to their mom and the difference that He has made.

Birthday Memories

Tomorrow I will be 24! How time flies...! I was sure I just turned 23- sometime last week? I've always loved birthdays and I came from a family that always made them very special day. I'm having kind of a sad moment- it just hit me that this is my first birthday without my dad. A few memories from past years came to mind.

One is my 18th birthday, in 2003. Bear in mind the year- before Apple had taken over the world and CD's hadn't been replaced by iTunes. It was my first year at college and consequently my first year playing basketall which meant many away games, road trips and long and potentially boring bus trips.

That year my dad was particularly excited about the gift he got me. I had no idea what it was and was quite surprised because normally he left gift-purchasing to my mom. The shape of the package was undetectable. He wanted me to guess but I had none. I opened it up and it was ... wait for it...a brand new.... Sony...discman! That's right-a discman. Remember those things that play CD's? It was cool at the time but very quickly became a product of the 90's.

He told me that I needed to have the best for all of our bus trips with basketball and that it was the top of the line! He never ceased to surprise me. Not only was it out of his usual price range, but it was incredibly thoughtful and practical!

My next birthday memory is a special phone call from last year. At this time last year, my dad was quickly losing his ability to speak. I have two messages still saved on my voicemail. The first is my dad, speaking very slowly giving me car advice and then ending with, "O...kay....Hap...py...Birt.....day."

The second is the Happy Birthday song from later that day. Mom sang the first line, Emily sang then second, back to Mom for the third, "Happy Birthday to..." and then the big finale- dad with "Ste.....pha......nie". I've probably listened to those messages 3 dozen times and will continue to save them for as long as my Shaw voicemail box will allow.

There are many more material things my dad gave me- cars, basketball shoes, gas money- that I am thankful for. But I am most thankful for the things that didn't come gift wrapped and will never go out of style.

I was just sitting here ready to temporarily crumble into tears thinking about all this when Mike handed me the phone. It was my wonderful father-in-law, singing Happy Birthday to me a day early. God is so faithful. He knows just what we need in the moment!

Finishing Well

After successfully completing an 8km run earlier this year, my wonderful ambitious running partner had a brilliant idea of us signing up for a half marathon- 21.1km. It was a bit of a stretch but we had been diligently and faithfully training on a daily basis for the 8km and felt as though we had ample time to prepare. At the end of June, we signed ourselves up for the Canmore Rocky Mountain Half Marathon with every intention of being prepared. It wasn't long before the good intention quickly became classified as "seemed like a good idea at the time."

Good intentions didn't get me too far. Disciplined training didn't end up being the priority I hoped it would be as the summer came to a close. As September 13th approached we questioned each other- why did we think this was a good idea? What were we thinking? Were we even thinking? The faint bit of anticipation I felt was solely for the moment I hoped to cross the finish line and be done with it. We determined that no matter what happened, we would finish together, even if it meant a mutual dragging of our bodies across the finish line!

On the morning of we scouted out the much more prepared looking competition and determined that our untrained goal was to finish in 2 hours and 10 minutes. We waited with anticipation with the hundreds of other runners for the starting gun. We started off nice and slow. There were 1km markers throughout the race so we knew how we were doing and what was still ahead. The first 10km felt great. I was thinking to myself, "This isn't so bad. I can do this." Then I realized I was only halfway done.

The back half of the race was conveniently the hilly half. My legs seemed to get heavier and slower with each step. All I could think about was when it was going to be over. Around the 13km mark, I began to notice the familiar surroundings on the path we were on. Ironically enough, I realized that I was running on the very same path that my family had walked together right after my dad's diagnosis the previous year.

The memories of that day played through my mind like a film reel. I remembered he had said his legs felt great that day. The disease hadn't yet taken over his lower body and he walked over 10km without experiencing any weakness. At the time, we felt optimistic about combating the disease and the time we hoped to have left.

I started to think just about him. I thought about his last three weeks here. I pondered what it would feel like to be so fatigued all the time that you cannot even keep your eyes open for more than a few minutes and too weak to be able to hold yourself up. I thought about what it would be like to be in a race and not know how close you are to finishing. First he thought the last leg of his race was 2-3 years. Then it was 3-6 months. Then it was at most "a few days" for several days. There was no way of really knowing.

Cement legs all of a sudden didn't seem so bad.

My friend kept encouraging me to push for the last little bit but my legs refused to move any faster than the painfully slow pace I was barely maintaining. She kept saying, "Let your adrenaline kick in!" to which I responded, "I really don't have any!" I actually had nothing left in the tank. When we rounded the final corner I felt relief when I saw the good news..."FINISH LINE." We crossed and finished at 2:09, one minute under our goal!

Aside from never doing another half marathon without being ready, there were a few things I was reminded of that day as I pondered my dad and was made extremely aware of my many physical limitations!

Finishing well isn't easy. It's no wonder that the person who crosses the starting line first doesn't get anything. Everyone starts fairly well. That's not the hard part. It's not until you've endured the distance that you are rewarded.

Finishing well requires being ready. Results are not produced by well-intending osmosis. 1 Timothy 4:7 says, “Train yourself to be godly." The training from months earlier expired. The only way I could have been prepared for that race was by continuing to train daily. The only was I can be prepared for what life brings is by daily training myself in godliness. How do you train spiritually? Same was as physically: eat right and exercise! I need a steady and meaty diet of God’s word, a continual filling of the Spirit and regular exercise my faith by putting it to practice.

Finishing well requires people. If I'm being honest, I probably would been a no-show at the race if I weren't running it with someone. No one else would have missed me. And if I had shown up, it wouldn't have really mattered how I did. Because I had someone to go the distance with, I still went.

If you saw the slideshow from the funeral, you may remember this picture of my dad. He did a 10km run in Vancouver in the late 70's with his brother and niece. The way he told the story was something like this: "I finished second...[very long pause]... to last!" The guy who finished behind him was in a wheelchair. All of a sudden my results aren't seeming so bad! However, he did finish his race of life much stronger than his 10k!

I am so thankful for the great example I have of finishing life well. I know that it was hard for him- hard doesn't quite do the situation justice. He was trained and ready. I saw him feed his soul regularly and put his faith to work time and time again. I watched so many faithful friends surround and encourage him not only in the last leg of the race but during other legs where I'm sure he felt tired and discouraged.

He wasn't able to cheer me on at the finish line of this race but as I think about finishing this life well, I think of Hebrews 12:1: "Since we are surrounded my such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." When I get to the end, I hope he's standing there in the great cloud of those who have already finished cheering me in the same way he did at our first Betty's Run saying, "Go Steph, go!" I hope to be able to say, like I'm sure he did, "I have fought the fight. I have kept the faith. I have finished the race."

It's Been TOO Long...

It's been far too long since I last blogged- almost a month! My formerly faithful readers have probably given up on checking for updates. This morning over a coffee conversation with my mom, she informed me that some people told her that they figured that the blog was now "finished" due to the new record I set of longest time between entries! Hopefully my neglected blog will forgive me and we can be like old friends- the kind where no matter how long it's been, you can just pick up wherever you left off!

I'm sad to say this is our first overnight visit back to Calgary since the funeral last month. I have dearly missed my family. I was very much looking forward to this visit and at the same time, wasn't sure what to expect. We all had to go our separate ways immediately after the funeral and all had to find our "new normal's." It's been almost two months since my dad passed away. This would be our first time to witness the new normal around the old homestead.

Last night we arrived at my parent's house to drop off our stuff before heading over to visit my in-laws. Emily was out at a friend's and my mom was quietly and contently watching a movie by herself. No dad seemed so strange. On weekend visits home, I'm used to opening the door and seeing dad from the front hallway at the kitchen table with his tea towel bib handing from his shirt. His face would light up as we would enter. We'd greet him and try to make him laugh. Sometimes I'd give his little bicep a squeeze and ask if he'd been working out. He's shake his head no and of course, smile.

It'll take some time to get used to. I couldn't help the few tears as we headed back out. Mike asked me what was wrong and all I could process was, "It's just seems so different without him."

This afternoon, Mike and Ethan were playing Guitar Hero. Ethan piped up and randomly said, "I'm playing this one for Papa. He can listen to me now because he has a new body." It was one of those should-we-laugh-or-cry moments. Maybe he assumed since the rest of Papa's body wasn't working, he had also become hearing impaired? (It's ironic and funny because he kind of was even before ALS!) Our hearts were so blessed that in his little mind is still filled with thoughts of Papa at times. It is apparent that even in his little 3-year-old heart, Papa left an imprint.

Extra-Strength Faith

A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of going to the funeral the wife of a teacher at my new school. I didn't personally know this family but I had heard so much of their faith and just wanted to go. I got their early (I know, shocking) and watched as at least 800 people filled the seats of the E-Free church in Lethbridge to celebrate another faithful life and mourn the void left by this loss.

Something began to occur to me as I sat there and attempted to make sense of the events of the past few weeks. When does the world see Jesus?

My first experience with death (second hand experience obviously) was during my first semester at Bible College. I received the sudden and tragic news that my goddaughter Jani, a 9-month old baby girl from our church, had passed away suddenly of meningitis. I struggled to and failed to make sense of this tragedy. People always seem to say, “There’s a reason for everything…” but from personal experience, it unfortunately seems to offer little comfort in a grievous moment.

After some months had passed, I remember her mother standing in front of the church saying, “I’m here today to tell you that God is faithful.” I’m fairly confident that she hadn’t had a revelation answering the questions of why this had happened, but she didn’t seem to need to. I sat there and thought, if she can say that God is faithful, it really must be true.

The teacher at my school sent an email out to all the staff members at the school after his wife passed away, which eventually circulated in and out of educational and basketball circles throughout Canada. I don’t know how many thousands of people read his words, but they were truly a testimony of God's faithfulness. Only hours after his wife passed away he typed these words: “I am trusting that God will grant me the grace and wisdom to provide enough love to my kids to make up for the void that is now here. I have faith that He will see it through. That he wants me to trust him one step at a time.”

I was so encouraged and amazed by the strength granted through faith. This man has a 6-year old son, 4-year old daughter and newborn baby to raise now by himself, and seemed to be approaching it with a heavy dose of extra-strength faith. He concluded the funeral service by sharing his wife’s testimony of how she came to faith in Jesus Christ in University- carefully pausing to explain all Christian jargon to ensure that the message of hope was clear and the reason for her secured home in heaven. I sat there amazed at how many people- many who would probably not voluntarily be in a church otherwise- were there hearing about the faithfulness of God!

I cannot begin to understand nor am I trying to explain the why’s of so many tragic and early-seeming exits from this life but go with me just for a second here. During my dad’s journey with ALS, I had always assumed that a miraculous healing would have most definitely brought God the most glory. Until recently, I didn’t pause to consider that maybe, just maybe, my dad’s unwavering faith through one of the most disabling diseases out there could have glorified God, possibly more than a miracle healing? I don’t have the bird’s eye view of the mysterious ways of God but would it be possible that the faith of God’s people through the storms of life bring more glory to Him than a miracle?

I think the world sees Jesus when His people see Him. When a mother who has lost her baby girl can say, “God is faithful,” and when a widower and single-dad can say, “I have faith that He [God] will see me through,” and when a man suffering and dying from a horrible disease says, “Don’t let this discourage your faith in Christ. Following Jesus will leave no regrets,”- that is when the world takes notice and says, this Jesus must be real.

In the words of John Piper, God is the most glorified in us, when we are the most satisfied in him.

Kin-dom Pur-spuc-tve

Ang called me a few days and asked me to email her the video of dad talking about the "Kingdom Perspective" for a devotional she was preparing. I sent it off and she received it and previewed it on her TV at home.

Ethan wandered into the room with BIG eyes and exclaimed, "Papa can talk?!" He proceeded to watch the video repeatedly- rewind-play-rewind-play- twenty or so times. After the first few he turned to Ang and said, "Mama what's pur-spuc-tve?" (Big word for a 3 year old!) She did her best to explain it to him. He turned back and watched a few more times and then turned to her again and inquired, "Mama- what's kin-dom?"

My mom told me that she had talked with Ethan on the phone and he was quoting some of Papa's lines from the video- word for word! I had to get a piece of the action so I phoned and asked for Ethan. He told me about the "Papa movie" he watched and how he talked about "Pur-spuc-tve" and "kin-dom."

I was challenged by this wonderful 3-year-old (who also happens to supply much of the material on this blog!) I too have watched that video and been touched by it. He watched that exhortation with intense curiosity, trying to decode the meaning in his little 3-year-old brain. I have a few questions to ask myself along the same lines- in slightly more adult terms of course: 1)What does it truly look like to live with the perspective that everyday could be your last and with the goal of impacting the Kingdom of God as an urgent high priority? and 2) What do I need to do to align my own life with this outlook? I know the answer to the first question... just like Dad! The second may take a bit more pondering...

I'll attempt to explore the "how are they" question. Mom and Em are doing okay. Life is very different but they're finding a way. I think my mom is on her fourth consecutive day of writing thank-you's to the many many people who have helped and supported our family especially over the last few weeks. She mentioned something about permanent hand cramping... They've experienced the most change in the day to day dealings of "normal" life. Please continue to pray for peace of heart and healthy, faithful, hopeful grieving... whatever that looks like!

Fences and Faith

Last fall, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about having a relationship with Jesus. When it concluded he said, “I just don’t need God. I know this sounds bad, but something really bad would probably have to happen before I would turn to God.” I tried yet I struggled to understand that perspective.

This summer we built a fence to enclose our yard. (By “we” I of course mean Mike with help from a few friends. I supervised!) Our fence is west-facing. Anyone who has been to Lethbridge is no stranger to the 100km/hr winds often blowing furiously from the west.

To combat this frequent force, we knew we'd have to build something solid. We put in 9-ft steel posts into 3-ft deep holes and secured them with concrete. The fence boards are securely screwed onto 3 horizontal beams on the top, middle and bottom of the posts and then sealed by 3 more horixontal beams. It is one solid fence. I think I could ram it with my car and it wouldn’t budge.

Today happens to be one of those terribly windy days. It's howling outside as I type. I fear that if I step outside it may carry me off to Saskatchewan. It came with little warning. On Saturday, it was summery and warm and today, the biting wind makes summer seem like a distant memory! I'm glad the majority of it is done as I am trying to imagine how very crazy it would be to be screwing in fence boards on a day like today. I'm also trying to imagine what our neighbor would have said if when she approached us about starting our fence in the summer we had said, "Actually, we're waiting until the wind is blowing 100km/hr. We won't really need the shelter until then." She probably would have put her house up for sale! It seems bit foolish to wait for a storm. No thank-you. I'd rather do it without battling increment weather!

I was reading in Matthew 7 not too long ago and was reminded of how we live on a solid foundation: "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”

Many people, myself included, have been encouraged by the faith my dad had. It seems mysterious to some but I knew his secret. I saw it with my own eyes. Long before this particular storm came, he had been buildling a very strong house on the Rock. He got his bricks from the Bible and and found them to be true as he laid them out in his life. He didn't just read them but put them into practice. He didn't know the storm that would be coming but was ready for it because of the solid rock he knew he stood on.

I find this extremely challenging. I oftened wondered how I would respond if I were the one personally battling the disease. I want to be as prepared as he was and be found as faithful. I don't want to wait for my own personal storm to continue building a solid house. It's too risky! I want to be ready for whatever storms life may throw my way.

The fence didn’t go up in a day and solid faith is not built in a day. It takes many days. But it must start with one. Then another and another...

Count Your Blessings

Yesterday, the speaker at our church said, “You don’t have to be that old to realize that life is hard.” I couldn’t agree more. With that said, God is faithful and good and He always provides what we need. There have been a few instances over the last year when I have been especially thankful for ALS. I know that it sounds odd, crazy and possibly estranged, but I have a great deal to be thankful for and here's why:

Last summer I was working at a golf course down here in Lethbridge. A little girl and boy came in with their dad for a late dinner. The dad stepped out for a moment so I asked the girl, probably about 6 years old, where her mom was. My heart broke as she looked up at me with sad eyes and replied, “It’s called cancer.” Her mother had passed away two years earlier. Though at any age it seems like it’s too soon to lose a loved one, I thought, “Thank-you Lord that I’m not 6.”

Last fall I met someone who would become a dear friend. Her dad had passed away months earlier from ALS and frontal lobe dementia- a tragic and rare combination. Not only did he lose all physical function just like my dad, but he also lost his memory and much of his mental function. At one point she said to me, “At least your dad remembers who you are.” At that point I thought, “Thank-you Lord that it’s just ALS.”

Today is my first official day as a teacher-intern at a high school in Lethbridge. (Yes, I'm blogging when I should be lesson planning!) This weekend, one of the teachers here, who thankfully is a believer, lost his wife suddenly due to complications from a massive blood clot in her lung suddenly leaving behind a 6-year old son, 4-year old daughter and 4-day old baby girl. I thought, “Thank-you Lord for the years we had and that I had a year and a half to say good-bye to my dad.”

At any point life there are a number of circumstances that could discourage hope and faith. There are a few Biblical exhortations that come to mind. The first is from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17: “Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Our tough circumstances in life are not always God’s desire, but it is his will that we be thankful. Why? Simply put, we are his light on this earth. If we can praise God through the storms, what does that tell the world about the God that we serve?

Another that the Lord has reminded of is from James 1. “Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.” We can be joyful in the storms of life because we know that they God is his soverieignty can still use them for a good purpose and we know that this life is only preparation for the next.

John MacArthur compared this life to the back of a Persian rug. From our perspective it looks like a big group of jumbled threads that seem to be woven together in a mess. It’s not until we flip it over, possibly not until eternity, that we see the intricate tapestry woven together to create something beautiful and our faith in Romans 8:28 become sight: “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God who are called according to His purpose.”

As I think of the old hymn, Count Your Blessings, I have many to name one by one. I had my dad for almost 24 years of my life. He set an incredible example in faith and pointed me to everything I need for life and godliness. My dad was my dad right until the end. He did not lose his faith, his family or his mind. Until his last breath, he encouraged us to not let this disease discourage our faith in Christ. Until the very end, he gave practical advice and cracked his famous smile. Lastly, I had the gift of a long good-bye. Nothing was left unsaid. So many of us got a chance to thank him and encourage him in the impact he made. I am thankful for other believers in the family of faith. Thought we don't all know each other personally, we can support each other in prayer and be encouraged by the faith and hope displayed in tough times.

I praise God for situations that He uses, whether good or bad by the world’s standards, to show himself faithful to the lost word. My dad’s words from last summer come to mind at this point: “If you were to live with the perspective that today was your last day on earth, what would you do to impact the Kingdom of God?” I tend to think that all those around and myself included are invincible. Every so often, I am reminded of the fragility of this life. Everyday is truly a gift and I need to ask God to continuously remind to make His kingdom work my priority.

Donating to the ALS Society...

The online site is set up for the ALS Society of Alberta is up and running and ready to receive donations in memory of my dad. On the post on August 19, I mentioned the 3 ways "practical" ways to contribute in lieu of flowers if you were wishing to do so. Please visit the link below if you are wishing to donate or read the post "In Lieu of Flowers" for more information. Thank you!
http://www.als.ca/events/mysite.aspx?fid=3737

We are going to continue participating in Betty's Run for ALS every June. Store it somewhere in the catalog of your mind! Jesse's Girls was the second highest fundraising team this year! Whoo-hoo. Going for first next year...nothing wrong with a little competition for a good cause, right? :)

Hang or Cling

A common word of encouragement I have often heard, not just now but for any tough time is: "hang in there." When I think of that phrase, I picture one of those scenes from a movie where the character is hanging over a giant canyon or a black hole barely holding on to either a thin branch or rope or piece of wood that is about to give out. It's terrifying because you never know when or if you will fall and it's tiring because gravity is constantly pulling you down. Hanging in there doesn't really appeal to me.

Fortunately, we sang a song on Sunday that reminded me of plan 'B': "To the Rock I cling..." That gives me quite a different picture. I see a human barnacle (if you will) just stuck to a giant boulder- clinging, grasping with everything. If I cling to the solid Rock, I will naturally go where He goes. We were challenged on Sunday with this: "Don't waste the suffering." I know that God is continuing to do great things amidst this storm in whoever is willing to cling to Him. I want to cling. I think it's necessary in order to wisely spend the suffering.

Please continue to pray for our family, especially Emily and my mom. Today Em had her first day of grade 9. She had a tough moment when she was handed a parent contact info sheet with both parents names still on it. Today was also my mom's first day by herself at home. Though the house has been quiet over the last few months, it hasn't ever been empty. Dad had been the constant there. There were also plentyof caregivers and other health practitioners coming and going. I cannot imagine how big and empty that house must feel now.

Pray for faith-filled, clinging, healthy grief at this time and God's presence to continue to be felt in their home.

(Mom and Em taking all the flowers to Dad's grave at

Eden Brook Memorial Garden on Wednesday)

Through a Child's Eyes

Ethan has brought so much joy to all of us along this journey. I just wanted to take a minute to share some of his thought processes over the last few days. When my dad passed away, we asked Ethan where Papa went. He responded, without any hesitation, "He's wis (with) Jesus wis his new body and he can walk all by himself and talk all by himself AND, he can fix cars!" He knows that Papa is in heaven.

After he went down for a nap Saturday afternoon, Ang left to go to the viewing at the funeral home. When he woke up from his nap he asked Frankie where his mama was. When Frankie told him that she went to see Papa's body, he broke into a hysterical crying bout saying, "I don't want my mama to go to heaven yet! I want her to stay here!" It took about 10 minutes of Frankie assuring him that his mom had gone to see Papa's old body, not his new body in heaven, and that she would be back very soon before he would calm down. Poor little guy! I can only imagine the panic that would have overtaken his little mind as he thought his mama had gone to heaven to see Papa.

Ethan's shining moment though, was definitely at the cemetery. Gerry shared a few comforting words with our family and encouraged us to share the memories and the funny stories. He said, "Sometimes he (my dad) was just crazy!" of course meaning, sometimes he was hilarious, funny, had wild ideas... you get the picture. All of a sudden, Ethan very loudly whispered to Mike with the sincerest concern in his voice, "Was Papa crazy?!" And then said, "Crazy like this?" and proceeded to make a "crazy" face to Mike by blowing up his cheeks, pulling on his ears and wiggling his eye balls around.

We all had to bite our tongues. It seemed like an inappropriate time to laugh out loud yet an appropriate time to allow joy to overflow from his little heart to ours.

Dad's earthly resting place is 1903A4, Garden of Heritage, Eden Brook Memorial Garden. I know... kind of a strange address to post but a few people had asked about it!

Thank You Thank You Thank You

What a weekend! It came and went so quickly, but not without many tears, smiles and laughs. Our beloved family from the Bridge did such an amazing job of organizing the viewing. The whole afternoon reflected who dad was exactly and the best part was, we didn't have to tell them anything! They just knew/know him so well. We had many friends and family members that travelled from out of town to be with us to celebrate my dad's life and mourn our loss together. There were countless friends who helps in many ways- cooking meals, organizing the funeral, videotaping, editing, scanning pictures, making programs, bookmarks and comment cards, sharing life changing messages, facilitating and helping transport stuff back to the church... I could go on and on. THANK YOU for helping to make the day a true reflection and celebration of his life. We are so grateful.