Love, Dad

If you read the Teary Traditions post, you may remember the little blooper we shared as a family when we tearily went to watch my dad's very special surprise video message and realized that we in fact, had the wrong DVD.

Well, we finally got all our ducks in a row and since all of us girls were together this last weekend, we sat down to watch it. We were equipped and ready with a full box of kleenex and we situated ourselves where we could easily console one another as the floodgates opened.

Just as quickly as the tape started rolling, the tears started streaming. My dad videotaped this little segment last December 2nd, 2008. He speech was still understandable to the family, but barely audible to the general public. You could see how it was a struggle for him to make out the words but how at the same time, there was an urgency and sense of importance in what he had to say.

He started out talking to Emily- and to her future husband who (bless him whoever he is) will have many layers of brother-in-law to penetrate through one day and, the "dad talk" via DVD.

He had specific words of wisdom for all of his girls and son-in-laws, reminders of his love and appreciation for my mom, reminders of his love for his present and future grandchildren and the admonition for all of us to live out our faith, walk with God and teach our children to do the same. And of course... several reminders of just how much he loved watching us all play basketball and how Emily is going to be the one to go all the way! Surprised?

It was the perfect mix of dad. He filmed this video when he was still in the uncontrollable laughter phase of the disease. He'd be in the middle of a very heart-wrenching sentence and then break out into hysterical laughter. This of course, allowed the very emotional viewers a few brief intermissions from crying in exchange for laughter.

It truly was and will always be a treasure. I'm thankful that he took the time to do this. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to sit down and record a video that you know your loved ones will only watch once you have passed on.

The theme of his message was no surprise as it's the same thing he lived out and encouraged us to do when he was still with us. Now I feel as though he has joined the great cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11 and is saying, "Run with perseverance the race marked out for you." I'll be cheering you on.

Teary Traditions (Part 2)

What makes December 25th truly unique in our family is that is also happens to mark 50% of our family's birthdays. My dad, Angela and Christina were all born on Christmas Day. In part 1, I mentioned one of the many traditions in our house. The morning of December 25th usually went down something like this:

6:00 AM or earlier- Angela wakes up and wakes up whoever she can, usually Emily and myself (and yes, in that order, and yes, this was up until last year... her 26th birthday...) We would wait until a more humane time to wake up the rest of the family that our mom had specified the night before. We'd all open stockings after of course fingering through all the little wrapped gifts in order to try and guess what they all were. Dad would never open a gift before trying to pre-determine what was inside! We'd open our "Santa" gifts and by this point our dad was often back asleep on the couch. He wasn't yet caffeinated.

After this, Christmas was totally put on pause. We'd move over to the table for birthday breakfast. All the birthday presents had to be wrapped in birthday paper. No one dared break this cardinal rule. We'd eat one of mom's breakfast casseroles, open presents and then move onto the cake. For this part, the twins would climb into my dad's lap no matter how big or small they were and we would sing Happy Birthday.

We'd take the famous picture of the three of them blowing our their birthday cake and of course one smiling for the album. My mom has an album full of just this picture from every year for the last 26 years! As they got older, dad became less and less visible in the picture but you could always see his famous smile poking out from between them!

This Christmas Eve, we had a pre-Christmas cry together and shared how this birthday moment was the one we were all dreading the most, especially the twins. It would be one of those times when his absence would feel like a meteor-sized crater.

The birthday breakfast this year hovered like a storm cloud in the room. No one seemed like they were in a hurry to get to the birthday and once we did, it really felt like, "let's just get this over with." We ate, sang and took the picture. It just wasn't the same. At this point my mom said through tear-filled eyes, "It just feels like someone is missing." Indeed it did.

However, it wouldn't truly be a "Jesse" moment without a little comic relief. Before we could all burst into tears, Mike who had stepped out of the room for a moment, yelled from the next room in a silly voice, "Don't worry guys, I'm right here!" Another moment recovered by humour...

The mixed feelings about Christmas this year may not change for the next while. The fact is, it is different and it really won't ever be the same without him. However, if we peel back the gift giving, birthdays and traditions, there is a greater unshakeable occasion that will never change.

The true reason we celebrate Christmas is because this is when God sent Jesus to earth. Our God is a relentless pursuer and he loved us too much to let us perish. He came to offer us the free and eternal gift of salvation. Because of this, we have a painless, sinless eternity in heaven to look forward to if we have accepted this free gift. Despite how tough moments may get now, they are temporary.

It seems as though the child-like excitement for Christmas tends to fade as we "grow up." I have asked God as I have gotten older, not to let me forget what Christmas is all about. Even though this was the toughest Christmas thus far, I have been reminded of what it is all about. Yes- family, gifts, and traditions are wonderful, but the Christmas spirit I think, stems from a spirit of thankfulness for what God has done which allows the hope, joy and peace that He provides flood our lives and into into the lives of those around us.

Teary Traditions (Part 1)

The new normal has been very tough to adjust to but thankfully, some milestones have passed so far where we all sat back and said, that wasn't as hard as we thought it would be. We all silently worried about what Christmas would be like without dad while knowing full well that this would and will probably always be the hardest time of the year.

Tradition is something we Morales' take very seriously. We don't mess with traditions! They unfortunately also have the potential to create the most obvious voids.

One of many at this time of year is the pajama tradition. For as long as I can remember among my dad's gift to his girls was always a pair of pajamas. We would always open them Christmas Even and then wear them to sleep that night. Some years he did a bit better than others but he always picked them out himself and he was always proud of his findings. Even last year, mom wheeled him around the mall as he thoughtfully picked out the perfect pair for Em, Ethan and Maia by shaking his head or nodding.

One of the most memorable years for pajamas was when he came home with plus size night gowns for all of the older girls... I think 3x or 4x. I think his rationale was two-fold- they were probably on the clearnace rack so of course on sale, and I think he thought they woudl be SO comfortable because they weren't tight fitting? It didn't seem to occur to him that all four of us could have fit into ONE with room to spare. We captured them on film before my mom "encouraged" him to return them and try again. Not to worry though, He did improve in both taste, size and pajama-common-sense in the years to follow!

Unforuntaely for the older three of us, this tradition ceasedwhen we got married but Emily of course had still be a beneficiary of this. Mike and I were shopping last week when all of sudden he stopped and said, "Do you think I should buy Em some PJ's?" We split up in the store as he began the hunt. I found him 20 minutes later looking quite stressed out. I asked what was wrong and he said, "I just feel so much pressure! This is a very big deal. That can't just be any pair, they have to be ones that scream Emily." I smiled at his appreciation for the seriousness of the task at hand! We did find something eventually and I left the store with our purchase and a very apprehensive Mike.

When I wrapped the PJ's I wrote on the tag, "Some traditions must keep on living..." Emily got to unwrap her very own huge one-size fits all moo-moo night gown that reads, "Move to the Moo-sic." We didn't want to her to miss out on the early years...

When she opened it we all laughed, and then of course, we all cried. It was funny and nice for a moment before we all felt the void that we knew was there. We keep taking those moments in stride. We have cried when we feel it coming on and laughed a lot as well.

Ethan has been our little rock. (We're getting him adjusted to being a sensitive guy early.) He's having a tough time following our emotional roller coasters. One minute we are all laughing and the next, he's so confused, "Hey- why's everyone cryin'?" Someone explains to him that we're sad because we miss Papa . He gives a round of hugs and then goes back to playing, and so far, we're okay and enjoy some laughs while we wait for the next wave!

The Solution for Change

I've been having one of those kinds of weeks... several in a row actually, where you get overtired, crusty, frantic and run down to pieces all because, if I'm being honest, first things just were not first. As I found myself in a familiar pattern of failing in self-reliant mode, it got me thinking about a lesson I've learned... make that learn-ing. I'm pretty sure God has had it on repeat for the last several years.

Our family was tremendously blessed last summer with an all-expense paid trip to the Philippines. All 11 of us jumped on the plane and endured the seemingly endless plane ride with excitement and anticipation. It was my first time out of North America and consequently my first time in a third world country. I was shell shocked to see some of the conditions that people live under and not only that- the conditions that people are contently living under. All my dad's instructions from childhood about turning off the lights and not wasting water or food suddenly seemed like very reasonable requests after seeing the scarcity he came from.

During the trip, my dad posed one of his thought provoking questions to me: "Step...how will your life be different because of this trip?" I felt slightly pressured to produce a 'right' answer...

"Well," I began, "It's made me appreciate what I have more." He was not content. "What else?" "Umm...I think I'll be less material when I get home..." He just smiled like he had a secret that I failed to uncover.

I felt very inspired to live a simpler lifestyle immediately after arriving back home until some time elapsed and I felt equally inspired to buy a pair of darling, red, pointy, high heels. The accumulation of these shoes posed a new problem for me. I, of course, had to have a matching bag. I couldn't help that I happened to be invited to a Purse Party on a night that I happened to be available, that happened to have a perfectly matching red purse for sale... can you see the stuff-disease spreading? Why did my inspiration to live simply fade so quickly?

I could go on with confessions of a shop-a-holic but the real issue I find myself battling on the inside no matter what mask it wears on the outside is, why don't I change? What will it take to make a long-lasting change?

We've all had that time we saw that inspiring thing, place or person, and thought, I will never be the same. The sad truth for me is my best effort hasn't been enough for the inside-out kind of change.

I want to be different because of my life experiences. I want to be more content because of poverty-stricken conditions I have seen and read about. I want to live my life totally sold out to the will of God because I have seen a very faithful example and a glimpse of the payoff. I've been inspired many times but unfortunately, I always seem to come up short. The world says, try harder. You can do it. I've tried harder but I always end up back at square one which seems to be synonomous with square-the-same

I do find a little U-2-ME-2 in Romans 7. I read about Paul and discover that even great evangelist may have shared some of my struggles. He says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do...For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...What a wretched [wo]man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

As I continue reading, I'm so relieved to find the real solution to change: "Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord."

I cannot change on my own. In fact, I can do nothing on my own (John 15:5).

Many times, I have looked at my dad's life and thought, I want to be like him. He was a great example but rather than trying to mimic his outward characteristics, I think my chances of being like him improve if I start thinking instead, I want to know and experience God the same way he did. I want God to change me so drastically the way he did for him. I want to surrender myself to change the same way he did.

It's never been about me or my efforts. It's not about what I can or cannot do on my own but what Jesus Christ wants to do in me.

For permanent change, seek out the Life-Changer everyday and turn yourself over to Him once again.

The Celebration (August 24, 2009)

I began an entry about the funeral the day after it was in August but never quite finished because I felt that my words didn't do the service justice! I know that some family and friends who wanted to be there were unable to be or if you were and are like me, might wish you could remember that really inspiring thing that someone said... Good news! Ang phoned me tonight and said, "I finally found the website the funeral is on!" The staff at Outreach Canada had the service videotaped and have had it available on their website!

There are times in life when you kind of hope that God will show up and then there are times when you just know and expect that He will. I expected God to move at the funeral and did He ever! Those who already know Christ were challenged to live the same kind of abundant life and those who have never accepted Jesus Christ into their life as their Saviour were challenged to receive the free gift of salvation.

A year ago last spring, we were driving home from a funeral and my dad said to me, "When I die, I don't want people to be sad. I want them to celebrate and talk about Jesus!" I teased him and said, "Of course you would. You'll still be witnessing to people even after you're gone!" And did he ever. As Brian said, "The message is not what is being spoken today but the life that has been lived before you."

I took a deep breath as I began to watch and knew there was no point in trying to keep the tears in. It's hard to believe it was less than three months ago. In addition to being reminded of how very, very, much I miss him, I was reminded of the many spiritual challenges that I received. The whole service is about 2 hours but it's nicely divided up on the toolbar on the right so you can pick and choose sections if you would like, but whatever section, grab some kleenex!

http://outreach.ca/now/jesse/

A Fresh Start

Tonight was a cleaning party. Instead of having our usual Wednesday night study, we took on a little love in action. One lady in the Bible Study recently shared the gospel (the Biblical message of forgiveness of sin, a relationship with Jesus and eternal life) with an old friend whose life was in shambles. She phoned me after to tell me the good news and with a great idea. She said, "We need to give this woman a fresh start. I think we should go over there and clean her house." She explained how this single mother of three worked full time and felt overwhelmed by the growing task of keeping her house in order and how it was in dire need of a big clean up.

Eight of us ladies headed over there tonight fully prepared to get elbow deep in whatever we had to. We entered the house armed with cleaning supplies and stock for the cupboards. I felt tremendous joy as this woman wept and said, "I can't even believe that you're here doing this." I was thinking to myself, "We're just doing to your house what Christ has already done to your heart and ours."

I felt slightly overhwhelmed at the task that lay before us when I saw it. We decided to divide and conquer. Two tackled the bathroom, two tackled the kitchen, two tackled the bedrooms and my partner and I took on the laundry room which was conveniently also the place where the cats had taken over. Our new friend came in and frantically started to tidy with us saying, "No, I have to help you girls. I'm the one who made this mess." I assured her that we had it under control and ushered her back into the living room to spend some quality time with her precious children.

I thought to myself, isn't this what we try to do? We think we somehow need to be responsible and "help God" with the clean up because we feel so responsible and guilty about the mess we have made instead of just handing over the reigns. I think he says something similar, "Just give me permission to get rid of what needs to go and I'll take care of the rest."

It was an amazing sense of joy that we felt to know we were doing something physical that represented something that had taken place on the inside. I overheard her in the hallway telling a story I couldn't help but smile at. She said, "One of my friends said to me a couple days ago, 'I can't believe how much you've changed in only a week!' I told her that I gave my heart to God and she said, 'That's all I have to do?'" Isn't that what giving your heart to Jesus all about? Total transformation that makes people go, "What happened to you?" and "How did I get what you have?"

As we finished one room after another, she peered in and stood in amazement at the observable difference in the appearance. I wish we had taken before and after pictures. There are things that we all struggle with. The battle for holiness in this world rages on. I hope that I can look at areas of my own life with the same amazement and say, "I'm different because I let Jesus do a big cleaning job in my heart."

We left after a couple of hours feeling a bit like the crew of Extreme Makeover, Cleaning Edition. The precious kids were so thrilled to have clean rooms and tidy toy boxes. I know that they'll remember this night because of what happened but more importantly, I hope they'll remember who happened to their mom and the difference that He has made.

Birthday Memories

Tomorrow I will be 24! How time flies...! I was sure I just turned 23- sometime last week? I've always loved birthdays and I came from a family that always made them very special day. I'm having kind of a sad moment- it just hit me that this is my first birthday without my dad. A few memories from past years came to mind.

One is my 18th birthday, in 2003. Bear in mind the year- before Apple had taken over the world and CD's hadn't been replaced by iTunes. It was my first year at college and consequently my first year playing basketall which meant many away games, road trips and long and potentially boring bus trips.

That year my dad was particularly excited about the gift he got me. I had no idea what it was and was quite surprised because normally he left gift-purchasing to my mom. The shape of the package was undetectable. He wanted me to guess but I had none. I opened it up and it was ... wait for it...a brand new.... Sony...discman! That's right-a discman. Remember those things that play CD's? It was cool at the time but very quickly became a product of the 90's.

He told me that I needed to have the best for all of our bus trips with basketball and that it was the top of the line! He never ceased to surprise me. Not only was it out of his usual price range, but it was incredibly thoughtful and practical!

My next birthday memory is a special phone call from last year. At this time last year, my dad was quickly losing his ability to speak. I have two messages still saved on my voicemail. The first is my dad, speaking very slowly giving me car advice and then ending with, "O...kay....Hap...py...Birt.....day."

The second is the Happy Birthday song from later that day. Mom sang the first line, Emily sang then second, back to Mom for the third, "Happy Birthday to..." and then the big finale- dad with "Ste.....pha......nie". I've probably listened to those messages 3 dozen times and will continue to save them for as long as my Shaw voicemail box will allow.

There are many more material things my dad gave me- cars, basketball shoes, gas money- that I am thankful for. But I am most thankful for the things that didn't come gift wrapped and will never go out of style.

I was just sitting here ready to temporarily crumble into tears thinking about all this when Mike handed me the phone. It was my wonderful father-in-law, singing Happy Birthday to me a day early. God is so faithful. He knows just what we need in the moment!